Have you ever wondered if the dollar bills in your purse or wallet were ever in a strippers butt crack? If not, you’re wondering now.” If stress burned calories I’d be a super model…” If being in my pajamas by 7pm is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.” ![]() OMG, I have finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.” Police: “you were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am.”” Dear haters, I couldn’t help but notice that ‘Awesome’ ends with ‘Me’ and ‘Ugly’ starts with ‘U’” I’ve taken up photography because it’s the only hoppy where you can shoot people and cut their heads off without going to jail.” Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.” No matter how big your house is, how recent your car is, or how big your bank account is. Being able to respond with sarcasm within seconds of a stupid question is a sign of a healthy brain.” You are so fake, that even china denied they made you!” I hate how chocolates immediately melt on my fingers. I am multi talented! I can talk, annoy and irritate you all at the same time!” My mom said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed!” Whoever said the customer is always right has never worked with the public a day in their freaking life!” Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you priceless!” A text from the right person can change your whole mood.” It’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.” But tonight I looked around at my beautiful family and realized I already have!” You: Teacher! Teacher: Yes? You: Would you punish me for something I didn’t do? Teacher: of course not. Always trust your first gut instincts… if you genuinely feel in your heart and soul that something is wrong, it usually is” Going on You Tube just to watch a quick music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe.” I really think that tossing and turning at night should be considered as exercise!” The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions.”” I said, “just doing the same as you, sitting here!” From next door, “Can I come over?” Annoyed, I said, “rather busy right now”. A voice from the next cubicle said, “Hi!, how are you?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. Public toilet I was in the public toilets and had just sat down. ![]() If you don’t hear from me, you’re one of them.” I’m currently making some changes in my life. The nice part about living in a small town is that if you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.” Daughter: What is marriage? Mom: Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore….” Not happy with your life, make some changes things not going your way, change your directions can’t find happiness in others, look within yourself.”
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